Satire

Responding to “Coke with Coffee”, PepsiCo Releases “Crystal Meth Pepsi”

HARRISON, NY — Just in time to capitalize on the summer heat, Coca-Cola has introduced an exclusive first sip of its top innovation that will officially hit the drink aisle in January 2021: Coca-Cola with Coffee. Not to be outdone, Pepsi has decided to take the super caffeinated soda game to the next level and have announced their new flavor: Crystal Meth Pepsi.

“The business is no longer about flavor. It’s about energy,” explained Pepsi CEO Duncan Epididymis. “Coke hit the ceiling by combining coffee and cola, so we decided to get creative.”

By combining crystal meth with Crystal Pepsi, Epididymis anticipated Crystal Meth Pepsi will be popular with the nostalgia crowd of the 1980s and the modern energy-craving consumers of 2020. 

“It was a huge hit with our first taste-testing group,” Epididymis added. “They were just jumping around the room in excitement, breaking chairs in joy, swinging from light fixtures about the flavor, and clawing their own faces for another taste. They were hooked almost instantly and screaming for more.”

What makes Crystal Meth Pepsi so powerful is the combination of addictive substances in the recipe. The 69 grams (or 17 teaspoons) of sugar activates pleasure receptors in your brain while the methamphetamine floods the brain with dopamine. The result is an unnaturally confident and energetic you. 

“Not only do people get addicted to Crystal Meth Pepsi almost instantaneously,” Epididymis added, “but they build up a tolerance, which means they will want to buy more and more Crystal Meth Pepsi. It’s the perfect soft drink!”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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