Satire

We Interviewed Some Squirrels About Hiawatha, In Case That’s Another Irrelevant Perspective You Wanted

LA CROSSE, WIS — Given recent petitions from and for an almost entirely white populous, to op-eds published by even whiter cackling goblins, we set out to find any other possible irrelevant opinions you might want on the Hiawatha statue’s pending removal from Riverside Park.

Here’s what some medium sized rodents in the La Crosse area have to say about the city’s controversial decision made after requests from the Ho-Chunk Nation, artist Anthony Zimmerhackl’s family and the Mayor of La Crosse:

“This tree sucks! I can’t even make a decent nest up there. Of course they should take it down.”

Skritter McScratch, 3

“Buddy, I can’t even remember where I buried my winter stash last year. I almost died. You really think I’m going to have the best take on nuanced human race-relation issues?”

Fuzzdoodle Kickenbop, 6

“You’re going to have to explain the concept of a statue to me first.”

Fragrant Bushtail, 11

“Yeah, yeah, take it down, whatever… are you going to eat the rest of that Talame bread?”

Spazz Lurrman, 4

The La Crosse Times also reached out to several pigeons, a duck, three peregrine falcons, and a particularly gnarly looking fox living at the La Crosse County landfill. Most declined to comment, citing the wherewithal to know the issue isn’t really about them or their opinions.

“Seems like something you should ask the Native American humans,” Pendelton Sharptooth, a fox, said. “Oh you have already? Then why are you talking to me…?”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire