Satire

Conservationists Argue Foxxy Shopper to Blame for 91% of Deforestation

LA CROSSE, WIS — Local conservationists are pointing to a free publication as a major source of deforestation.

The Foxxy Shopper serves as a source of deals and coupons available at area businesses through regular deliveries of a paper copy to one’s home address. The paper is delivered to every man, woman, child and pet six times per hour all seven days a week, regardless of any subscription or desire to have it in the first place.

“One time I threw one into the recycling and, no shit, I turned around and there was another fucking Foxxy Shopper on my stoop already,” area resident Dick Jeterson said. “Where do these all keep coming from?!?”

As it turns out, the answer to Mr. Jeterson’s question is: Most of the forests. A study by the Mississippi Valley Conservancy showed that the vast majority of harvesting trees for paper production was a result of what the MVC called the Foxxy Shopper’s “incessant delivery schedule”.

“At this point, with the continued existence of all these amazing deals on 13 cents off Bush’s Baked Beans and whatnot, we are looking at the total deforestation of the coulee region by 2021,” MVC Director Jane Mulchifyer said.

The La Crosse County Board is reportedly looking into putting together a task force to try and discover a method for unsubscribing from Foxxy Shopper. Experts believe however, that may not even be possible.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire