Satire

Water Park Closes after Wave Pool Tests Positive for Being 100% Piss

WISCONSIN DELLS, WIS — Moses’s Boat Water Park, a less popular tourist attraction in Wisconsin Dells, closed this past weekend until further notice after its wave pool tested positive for being 100% piss. 

Moses’s Boat manager, Spicy Vaginilla, said they did not make the decision to close lightly. 

“The safety of our customers is absolutely the most important thing,” Vaginilla said, “We have been very vigilant in testing and monitoring the water’s piss percentage. This was unexpected… mostly.”

Per state law, water park pools are allowed to operate with up to 98% piss concentration, but Vaginilla has asserted that Moses’s Boat has always worked to maintain a safe piss percentage at around 95%, which is what makes the sudden jump to 100% surprising.

Moses’s Boat officials believe a soda sale to be the piss-surge culprit.

“After we did some contact tracing, we were able to point the source of the uptick to a free-refill sale on sodas at poolside concessions,” Vaginilla explained, “And everyone knows 12 ounces of soda turns into 12 ounces of extremely potent piss.”

Despite the quick uptick, the jump comes as no surprise. In a 2019 survey of over 3,100 people across the country, 40% of people admitted to peeing in the pool, but most experts argue that the percentage of people who piss in the pool is likely more than double that figure, but they are too embarrassed to admit it. 

“I mean, c’mon. Everyone pisses in the pool, and we see about 750,000 people each year. That’s a lot of piss for one pool,” Vaginilla continued. “It’s our job to keep the level of piss low enough that it does not drastically change the color of the water.” 

When asked how they plan to rectify the 100% piss level, Vaginilla assured people that they would drain the piss out and add water and chlorine back so it “feels like normal where, when you get out, you feel like you have a Slim-Jim-like film covering your body.”  

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire