Satire

COVID Compass to be Replaced with “Screaming-Into-The-Void Stopwatch”

LA CROSSE, WIS — The La Crosse County Health Department (LCHD) released a statement Wednesday afternoon informing the people of La Crosse County that they are discontinuing their use of the COVID-19 Compass. Instead, the LCHD will move to a more efficient, effective, and accurate Screaming-Into-The-Void Stopwatch

LCHD officials offered few details on the change other than “information is changing everyday” and “we need to be flexible.” 

“What gets me is the cryptic message of encouragement about how things are looking better,” commented Darcy Cloaca, a local business owner who has religiously used the compass to make decisions about keeping her customers safe, “but this reads as if we are standing on the end of the Titanic that is rising out of the water.”

Luckily, the LCHD knew better than to irresponsibly abandon a system people have been actively using for several months without warning or having a new system in place. Shortly after the compass abandonment, LCHD officials unveiled the new Screaming-Into-The-Void Stopwatch

“We are very happy with the new system to inform the public of our current COVID-19 status,” commented LCHD official Gerald Opaque, who appeared to be holding back tears with a forced smile on his face. “It is the most clear representation of where we are at in La Crosse County with the pandemic.” 

The stopwatch is formed in the shape of the famous Edvard Munch painting The Scream where the image of the subject of the painting is being contorted from the subjectivized flow of nature.

The Scream is the expression of agony from the unifying forces of nature,” Opaque continued, “those forces being COVID-19 and people who commented on our Compass posts with conspiracy theories and telling us we were lying or overreacting.” 

To make the stopwatch even more ominous, the LCHD added the watch face to the forehead of the face with the numbers counting down to something. 

When asked what the stopwatch is counting down to, Opaque added, “Oh… you’ll find out.” 

The La Crosse Times later learned that Opaque emptied his bank accounts, packed up his belongings, and left town in the middle of the night. 

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire