Satire

Man in Mid-Thirties Still Chuckling About “Blue Footed Boobys”

ONALASKA, WIS — An Onalaska man is going into his 33rd year of life continuing to laugh at the name of a subtropical pacific marine bird.

Dan Beyer reflected on why he thinks “blue footed booby” gives him so much joy. Much of it, he says, has to do with how closely it resembles a slang term for breasts.

“Well, because… you know…” Beyer said, through tiny chuckles, “haha… boobys…”

His partner Derek Candlewhacks says he’s been laughing about blue footed boobys ever since they met in 2013, but his delight didn’t end with just one small sea bird.

“Heaven forbid someone shows a picture of a dik-dik, or needs a dongle for their phone, or brings over some kumquats to eat,” Candlewhacks said. “He’ll start cackling for hours. It was cute at first, but it gets old quick.”

Some health experts believe Beyer may have a condition called LISHS, or “Latent Immature Sense of Humor Syndrome”.

“Before long, Mr. Beyer may feel an intense desire to remove any branches or debris from trees that may be protruding out of a muddy field or someone’s rectum,” Dr. Jonathon H Dong said. “At that point he may need to start a steady dose of PBS World War II or Civil War documentaries to stave off the disease.”

If he doesn’t, Dr. Dong says the LISHS could end up mutating Beyer’s DNA.

“In about 20 years, he could potentially morph into a salesperson or hobbyist stand up comic,” Dr. Dong said. “A truly horrifying future, if not corrected early on.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire