Satire

Biden to Choose Running Mate in 3rd Week of August, 2025

WASHINGTON, DC — The Biden campaign announced Monday that the search for a vice presidential candidate will finally come to a close by the third week of August, in his second term.

“We really just want to make absolutely sure, unequivocally, 100%, that we make the right choice,” a campaign spokesperson said. “If that means we have to go an entire term with no VP yet, it just means we are being thorough and taking it seriously.”

Biden’s short list reportedly includes Kamala Harris, Susan Rice, Gretchen Whitmer, Tammy Duckworth, and Karen Bass. The dragged out process could be attributed to the coronavirus, however some former staffers say some of that comes from Biden himself.

“He sometimes forgets that he promised to run with a woman as his VP,” a former staffer said. “Then he’ll say something like, ‘Golly gee crimoney on a cracker basket! This is a whole list of dames!’ and we have to explain to him that it was by design, is a good thing, actually his idea, and hey you should probably stop saying ‘dames’… It’s a lot of work.”

While Biden mulls over the decision for another five years, in the meantime his campaign is focusing on defeating Donald Trump this November, mainly by trying to keep Biden from speaking publicly for as long as possible.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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