Satire

State Legislature Votes to Shift Power of All Birthday Wishes to School Bully

MADISON, WIS — A major policy change will take effect this fall in Wisconsin, effectively moving the power of a child’s birthday wish to the school bully in their particular district.

The GOP-led state legislature passed the measure along partisan lines in a special session Monday. Speaker Robin Vos, a co-sponsor of the bill along with Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald, says this is a hard fought victory for Wisconsinites.

“Haven’t you ever been at a birthday party where some nerd is blowing out their candles and you’re like ugh, they’re probably wishing for something dumb! If only I could decide and make their choice a lot better!” Vos said, wiping the birthday cake from his mouth. “Well now, according to the state, you can! This is truly a win for the unrecognized voices across Wisconsin.”

In plain language, the new state statute says that “any birthday wish’s contents and approval shall be decided by the bully in the aforementioned birthday boy/girl’s school district and or place of employment.”

Critics argue the bill is wrong because, among many other things, it is not easily enforceable. Governor Tony Evers says a veto is not off the table.

“I feel like we shouldn’t have to explain to people that giving the power of a birthday wish to the worst person in a child’s life is the wrong thing to do,” Governor Evers said. “But this is the new Wisconsin, where everyone is a goddamn monster now. So we have to come at it from a cold and calculating angle to try and stop it.”

Given law enforcement offices around the state refusing to enforce a mask mandate for similar reasons, the governor hopes their logic will remain consistent and side with his administration. However, a statement released Monday from La Crosse County, indicates otherwise.

“On the surface, it seems like we would not have the resources to enforce the new statute,” the statement said. “But, on further inspection, we realized that our department is made up almost entirely of school bullies. We have a uniquely relevant perspective on this issue, and because of that, we are prepared to offer our full support of this legislation. Suck it nerds! Was your wish for poop to be smeared on your face? Because it is now!”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire