Satire

Primary Voter Struggling to Decide Which Candidate They’ve Never Heard of Before is Best

LA CROSSE, WIS — As the August 11th partisan primary unfolds in Wisconsin, voters like 32 year old Daniel Davurst are struggling to decide who is the best candidate that they have never heard of before.

“Let’s see… I could go with Pfaff? I think I saw a sign for that one time,” Davurst postulated. “Maybe Swiggum? Meh… I don’t know… Wait, is Paul Weber the one with all those ‘Senate Paul’ signs? That’s who that is! Man, that was bothering me.”

Davurst says the issue is he has seen the names before but has no idea who they are, what they believe, or how much public administration experience anybody on the August 11th ballot has, despite months to investigate.

“I know they all probably have websites and Facebook pages and whatnot, but you gotta understand, unless there’s some TV commercial war playing out in between snippets of the X-Files on Hulu, then I’m not really in the know,” Davurst added. “It sounds lazy, sure, but I can assure you I’m not the only one. I may not even be in the minority, to be honest.”

Although he has a tough decision, Davurst admits it could be a worse experience in another party’s primary.

“I’m a Democrat, so at least in my case there are a couple races to look at,” Davurst said. “But the Constitution Party? All of their options are write-ins! Can you imagine having to choose between everyone you’ve ever heard of? That’s crazy, good luck with that one.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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