LA CROSSE, WIS — With 100% of precincts reporting, election officials are calling the races in the August 11th primary, with Status Quo handily winning yet another election in the coulee region.

“A lot of people were saying we couldn’t do it again,” Quo said in a victory speech Tuesday night, “but we showed them! We all showed them that change is scary and difficult and that we would rather have what’s comfortable!”

Status Quo began their political career shortly after the birth of the United States of America in 1776. Since then, they won nearly every election and have continued that dynasty Tuesday night.

“In a year that has demanded so much societal change, you – The Voters – stood up and said, ‘No! We will keep going down the same path! We will pretend like things will magically get better by trying the same things the same way over and over again! We will take the ‘Top Cop’ as our VP in the wake of police brutality protests! WE. WILL. NEVER. STOP. NOT. FIGHTING.’ That’s what this campaign is about!” Quo said to uproarious applause.

Their campaign victory rally broke into chants of “More of The Same!” for several hours afterwards. Status Quo is currently polling 99 points ahead of any other candidate in the November general election.