Satire

Logger Dog to be Euthanized After Biting Kid

LA CROSSE, WIS — In what can only be described as a difficult year for the La Crosse Loggers, with a sub .500 record in a season cut down by the COVID-19 pandemic, reached a new low Tuesday night when the Logger Dog attacked and bit 10-year-old boy, Timmy Timmons, in the stands during the game. 

Reports of the incident state that during the seventh inning stretch, the Logger Dog was making rounds through the crowd throwing free t-shirts and shooting hot dogs out of an air-compressed cannon when Timmons was overcome with joy and went to hug the mascot. The Logger Dog looked stunned by the surprise hugging and bit the child in what appeared to be an act of confused defense before his handler, Louie the Logger, restrained the dog and removed him to the bullpen. 

Though witnesses say the incident only lasted approximately five seconds, the damage had already been done leaving Timmons with puncture wounds on his arm and torso and the crowd stunned by the generally silent and child-friendly dog’s actions. 

“The Logger Dog was likely startled by the child’s sudden proximity and breach of personal space,”  commented dog mascot trainer Choppy Marmaduke, “Given his age, the Logger Dog likely interpreted the hug as an attack which provoked the Logger Dog to lash out.” 

The Loggers released a statement Wednesday morning confirming the attack, and issued a public apology to the child, his family, and the fans:

“We are stunned and saddened to learn that our beloved Logger Dog has bitten a young fan during Tuesday night’s game. The Logger Dog’s actions are not in line with our policy of not biting our fans, nor is up to par with our moral stands that bears the name of our popular and delicious concession stand hot dogs. Please rest assured that we take this situation seriously and this will be dealt with severe consequences. For the time being, we will be changing the name of the park hot dogs to the Logger Meat Cylinders. We know it’s not a great name, but the only other option that was pitched was the Logger Dongs, and it just felt a little too weird.”

The Logger Staff

“Unfortunately euthanizing the dog is the only sensible option,” Marmaduke continued, “The Logger Dog will attack again, and living in a cage is not a humane life.” 

An anonymous source within the Logger front office confirmed the Logger Dog is slated to be secretly euthanized this weekend and cremated with his remaining bobble heads they have in stock. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire