Mayor Announces City Wide Budget Cuts From Brand New Jetpack

LA CROSSE, WIS — A merger of five whole departments and several position eliminations may be on the horizon for the City of La Crosse, with Mayor Tim Kabat making that announcement hovering over the crowd of reporters in his Jet PI H202-Z personal jet pack.

“THE CITY NEEDS TO STREAMLINE AND FIND NEW EFFICIENCIES BECAUSE OF HOW COVID-19 AFFECTED REVENUE!” the mayor screamed over the roar of the jet pack’s hydrogen peroxide powered thrusters. “SIMPLY PUT, WE NEED TO REIGN IN SPENDING WHEREVER WE CAN!”

Pictured: Mayor Kabat shortly after making his proposal announcement

The mayor’s proposal includes eliminating nine positions in the City of La Crosse, some of whom reportedly weren’t consulted about the impending budget cut proposal.

“He never told us this was going to happen,” Environmental and Sustainability Planner Gorgon Zola said. “And he never even once offered to let me try his jet pack. Unbelievable.”

Some critics pointed toward the personal use of a jet pack costing taxpayers several hundreds of thousands of dollars as hypocritical. Mayor Kabat, just after performing an aerial back flip, shrugged off those criticisms.

“Some have suggested limiting– I SAID, SOME HAVE SUGGESTED LIMITING OR EVEN REMOVING THE MAYORAL JET PACK ALTOGETHER,” the Mayor yelled. “IN MY MIND, FROM A PRACTICAL STANDPOINT, THAT’S JUST UNREASONABLE AT THIS TIME. HEY, YOU GUYS WANNA SEE ME DO A BARREL ROLL??”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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