Satire

Valley View Mall Haunted by Ghosts of Retail Past in Designer Sheets

LA CROSSE, WIS — Valley View Mall has at least a couple shoppers these days: G-G-G-G-GHOSTS!

Several mall employees have reported ghost sightings in the mall citing they most often manifest in the abandoned storefronts of the former retail giants beckoning people to shop at the now-defunct stores. 

“I hear odd whispers calling for me during store hours to shop at Herbergers and get 20% off all purchases at JCPenny,” claimed morning mall-walker Garrett Fuckenshire, “but I keep politely informing them that it’s so much easier to buy my stuff on Amazon now because they just deliver it to my door for like half the price.”

When asked how the ghosts respond to the rejection, Fuckenshire said they wished him a good day before vanishing in a cloud of smoke to echoing screams of torchered souls.  

Mall security is keenly aware of the spectral issue, but have decided against corrective action. 

“It’s not like there’s anybody here for them to torment,” stated Mall Security Chief and mall-aisle board game kiosk owner Junion Jilpoopery. “Frankly I just let them haunt me all they want because I feel sorry for them.”

No word yet on whether Orange Julius will have a phantom representative, but sources report, “it’s probably around here somewhere.”

Reporter Dr Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire