Satire

Gas Station Now Providing Outdoor Patio to Sit and Contemplate All the Mistakes You’ve Made

HOLMEN, WIS — A newly renovated Kwik Trip in Holmen now includes a patio space for one to sit and reflect on what a piece of shit they’ve become and how.

The picnic table-like structures are metal, coated with a red waterproofing agent and shattered dreams. Two such tables now sit to the left of the entrance to the station, allowing space enough for at least two sad sacks of potatoes to sit while properly distanced to avoid the spread of COVID-19 and/or ennui.

“When we renovate an older store, we always look for ways to improve the Kwik Trip experience,” spokesperson Lena Waldencrudder said. “Something we noticed right away was there was really nowhere for someone to furiously plop down with their spicy chicken sandwich, cheese nuggets and monster energy drink and internally scream ‘Jesus Christ! How the fuck did I get here!?’”

Waldencrudder said despite there already being a push for outdoor patio space in the area to ease minds about coronavirus spread, theirs is the only space that allows the appropriate ambience for questioning every life decision one’s made up to that point.

“You’re not going to get this experience at a distillery or a quaint little greek restaurant,” Waldencrudder added. “Only the greasy melancholy of eating just outside of a gas station can get you that.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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