Confused Trump Supporters Not Sure How to Run Over Protesters During Boat Parade

LA CROSSE, WIS — A boat parade showing support for President Trump Thursday night led to much more confusion than originally planned.

The event, organized by the La Crosse County Republican Party, hit a snag early on when supporters in roughly three dozen boats realized they weren’t sure how they could go about running over a protester or two if boaters were all out in the water.

“I love our president, and I’m out here to show that,” boater Gavin Biggs said, “but the main reason I come to these things is to flatten some lady trying to tell us that fascism is bad. How are we supposed to do that if we’re out here on the water? That really wasn’t made clear.”

“I just assumed that [protesters] would be out in the water with us,” boater Claire Stuftpoketts said. “Kinda feels like we got stood up. Typical libs.”

The mood reportedly soured quickly after boaters realized they were all participating in a parade where they would not be able to hurt anyone. That mood worsened when supporter Darren Whitey’s boat began taking on water and nearly capsized.

“This has been a travesty!” Whitey said. “I come out to show support, but I can’t run anyone over, and then the SS Trump almost sinks! This whole damn day wasn’t worth it!”

Whitey went on to say despite his day full of woes, he didn’t take his sinking ship as a metaphor in any way.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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