Satire

Lori Loughlin Sentenced to Two More Seasons of Full House

BOSTON, MASS — For her role in a college admissions scandal that involved paying $500,000 to get her daughters into prestigious colleges, actress Lori Loughlin has been sentenced to two more seasons of Full House. 

Despite originally pleading innocent to the charges of conspiracy to commit money laundering and programs bribery, Loughlin learned that she could potentially be facing up to 20 seasons of maximum security Full House prison; a sentence that would have likely seen her die before her release. She then accepted a plea deal and is to report to Warner Brothers Burbank Studios in California to begin her sentence with preparing for her 14th season on the show as the annoyingly bubbly Aunt Becky. 

“Mrs. Loughlin is remorseful for what she has done and is ready to face the consequences,” commented Loughlin’s attorney Steve Hale. “She has accepted her punishment of two more seasons of predictable story lines, recycled episodes, hacky jokes and puns, canned laughter, two-dimensional static characters, and Dave Coulier.”

In an effort to combat public backlash at a seemingly light sentencing for a blatant abuse of power, the judge added several stipulations to the two seasons of sitcom prison sentencing:

  1. Every scene Loughlin is in will feature Kimmy Gibbler. 
  2. Loughlin will be allowed no canned audience laughter and all her jokes will be a variety of fart sound effects.
  3. Loughlin’s character will be given a new catch phrase “What do you mean I can’t bribe a top university to get my kids admitted? I thought I woke up in America!” She will say this at the end of every line. 
  4. Loughlin will participate in 10 episodes where she is stuck in an elevator with a different cast member and has to perform an emergency colonoscopy with only items she has in her purse and her bare hand. 
  5. She will no longer be allowed to kiss John Stamos. 

Loughlin will also serve two years supervised release during which she must complete 100 hours of volunteer comic con hours signing autographs and taking pictures with fans in whatever pose they wish. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire