Satire

Can You Name the Singers Whose Scrotums Were Modeled to be the California Raisins?

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In the 1980’s, the California Raisins TV commercials took the country by storm. The claymation raisins singing and dancing to Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” eventually became a Saturday morning children’s TV show, which spawned an album recording (that went platinum), launched a range of toys and costumes all over the globe, and starred in an Emmy-winning Christmas special. Some raisin enthusiasts have called them the best advertisements for raisins ever made. 

But did you know that the iconic raisins were modeled after some of the most famous scrotums in music history? See if you can figure out which scrotum is whose.

1. This singer’s scrotum burst onto the music scene like a Bat Out Of Hell back in 1977.

Answer: MEAT LOAF

Meat Loaf (Michael Lee Aday) is best known for doing anything for love, which apparently includes modeling his scrotum to be the California Raisin “AC.” The scrotum sculptors were impressed with his three octave range AND the amazing flow of his scrotum wrinkles that they said “looked like was carved from a valley scream”. It is rumored that Mr. Loaf secured his role in the cult classic film Fight Club as Robert “Bob” Paulsen who, ironically, has his testicles removed. Fun!

2. The country music legend is known for three things: Guitars, Cadillacs, and a beautiful scrotum.

Answer: DWIGHT YOAKAM 

When it came time to model the California Raisin “Red,” the creators only had one name in mind: Dwight Yoakam. Though Yoakam has recorded more than 20 albums, chartered more than 30 singles, and sold more than 30 million albums, his legacy will always be cemented in musical scrotum history.  Fast fact: the first draft model was accidentally done of Yolkam’s face confusing it for a scrotum. Turns out, Yoakam suffered severe burns from a pyrotechnic accident early in his career and doctors grafted a cadaver scrotum for his new face. Who knew?

3. This next Songbird was selected to jazz up the scrotums a little bit.

Answer: KENNY G

With the California Raisin “Beebop” being the saxophone player, it comes as no surprise that Kenny G was the scrotum for the job. Kenny G (Kenneth Geee Saxophoneguy) has had a prolific career spanning nearly four decades and has sold 75 million albums (74,999,999 million of them to single aunts who have over ten cats and wear ultra red lipstick, and one album to me). It is rumored that while in the stirrups getting his scrotum plaster molded, he wrote and recorded three full albums. It was also reported by sculptors that G’s scrotum vibrated in the delightfully soothing key of G major. Wow! 

4. Our fourth and final scrotum imagined What A Wonderful World it would be to have his scrotum modeled as a California Raisin.

Answer: LOUIS ARMSTRONG

Apart from being a trumpeter, vocalist, composer, actor, and perhaps one of the most influential jazz musicians in history, Armstrong can also add “scrotum model” to make that list all the more impressive. Though Armstrong died nearly 20 years before the California Raisins debut, an accurate description was given to the model-makers for the California Raisin “Stretch” by Armstrong’s four ex-wives, who described his scrotum as being “stretched out like someone tied a weight to the end of it,” which is why a stretched-out scrotum is called a “Satch” in Armstrong’s honor. Neato!

Reporter Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire