GULF OF MEXICO — Alright, Marco and Laura. We get it. We know you two hurricanes have been eye-fucking one another from across the Gulf of Mexico for a couple days now. We can all fucking see it, and it’s getting stupid. Quit making sucky sucky faces at one another and just fuck and get it over with. Please!

Seriously, guys. It’s starting to gross out the entire gulf coast. More than half of Louisiana has already evacuated, leaving only the sickest mother fuckers who decided to stay because they get off on watching this kind of shit. That’s right. There are people out there HOPING to get all sloppy wet in your wake of sex. They’ve stocked up on supplies and have their cameras ready. You have an audience. Don’t disappoint.  

We get the hesitation. Marco is a category 1 hurricane and Laura is a category 2, perhaps a category 3 by the time she makes landfall. But hey, this is 2020! We’re progressive. People won’t judge you for being different categories. Some people slam wearing furry animal outfits. Christ, there’s even a group of people who dress as My Little Pony characters and  make a cartoon horse orgy salad. It’s not my thing, but hey! I don’t judge them just like I won’t judge you. 

Look. You don’t have to commit to anything. No one is expecting you too to run off and get married and have hurricane babies (which I am guessing are tornadoes). You are two consenting adults. You don’t need permission or approval. Sex is not a formal committment to one another. It’s just two adult hurricanes making some slickity-slam-bam. 

So just find a nice empty area of land and just fucking do it already!

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.