TikTok to Sue Over Ban As Soon As They Find the Right Team of Dancing Lawyers

WASHINGTON, DC — Chinese social media giant TikTok indicated they will sue the Trump Administration over its ban, so long as they are able to find the right litigation team that can pull off a cool dance routine.

“In all honesty, we could have gone with our original team, but when we asked them if they could file our federal lawsuit while also doing a perfect choreographed rendition of Dynamite by BTS, they said – and I’m quoting, here – ‘No thanks,’” a TikTok spokesperson said. “We respect their decision, but if someone is going to represent TikTok, there’s got to be some sort of wow factor, okay?”

TikTok says litigation experience plays second fiddle to the team’s ability to generate followers for the platform, which is why they have already launched a worldwide search.

“You don’t really need to be great at law, but as a base requirement, you do need to be able to pull off Renegade like it’s nothing,” the spokesperson added.

Pressed on why the actual litigation experience wasn’t as important, TikTok said that “any toddler could connect the dots between teens shitting on Trump via their platform and Trump trying to shut down said platform in an effort to quell free expression” and that “we could get a group of ferrets in berrets to do this and be fine” and that “hey that last idea is actually pretty good, write that down”.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.