La Crosse Man Attacks Person with Machete DVD

LA CROSSE, WIS — A La Crosse man was arrested Tuesday morning on felony charges after he pulled a copy of the movie Machete on DVD and attacked another man.  

According to the police report, Rogelio Torez spotted his girlfriend April Benz walking on King Street with Von Johnson. Torez, reportedly enraged with jealousy of his girlfriend walking with another man, sprung from the car and confronted Torez. After a verbal back and forth, Torez then brandished the Machete DVD and started swinging it menacingly at Johnson’s throat.

“When he pulled out the DVD, I was like ‘What the fuck is this noise?” Johnson explained as he received medical treatment at the scene. “I mean, DVDs started becoming obsolete like 10 years ago and this guy is just carrying one around as a weapon? Dude’s crazy man.”

When police arrived at the scene, they found Johnson with several superficial slices on his arms from the DVD corners and Torez still wielding the Machete DVD. Torez then complied with police directives to drop the movie case and move away slowly. 

“After we took the suspect into custody, we found that he had the second Machete on him,” explained officer Dingle Forthump, “but we decided to only charge him with possession of one Machete as the second one does not stand up to the first.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.