Teachers Going Through Back To School “You’re So F*cked!” Training Session

LA CROSSE, WIS — When high school science teacher Rick Latimer arrived at his back to school professional development, there was a lingering sense of unease in the atmosphere. Instead of the usual superficially bubbly “How was your summer?” conversations with his co-workers of several years, Rick found himself sitting in a socially distanced auditorium taking in the district’s new “You’re So Fucked” training session.

Despite all the information pouring in around the country from elementary, middle, and high schools as well as colleges, there still remains a buzz of optimistic denial that students will return for in-person school. The most notable story being the reported 9,000 positive child COVID-19 cases in Florida in the mere 15 days since school started. 

“I think the district expects us to actually sacrifice ourselves for this job,” explained Latimer. “One of the slides was of Spock dying in Wrath of Khan with the quote about how the needs of many outweigh the needs of the few? I like working with kids, but I think they’ve watched Freedom Writers or any other movie about teachers one too many times.” 

What Latimer is referring to are movies where teachers sacrifice absolutely everything for their students including Dangerous Minds, The Substitute, The Principal, and Lean On Me, just to name a few.

“I mean in Freedom Writers alone, Hilary Swank helps those kids get into college,” Latimer continued, “but do people remember that by the end of the movie, her give-it-all-she-has efforts ends up ruining her marriage, losing her home, leaving her almost bankrupt, almost losing her job, and is left as an emotional wreck? Sorry, but I am not doing that.” 

Training sessions included: 

  1. Being A Human Shield For Administrators From The Media
  2. Anticipate! Say Goodbye To Fragile Loved Ones Now 
  3. Be A Go Getter: How To Write That Will You’ve Always Wanted to Write
  4. Teaching With A Ventilator: Use It As A Learning Tool!
  5. How To Put In For A Sub AFTER You Die
  6. Casket Or Cremation?

“I’m a little bit torn. On one hand, I really like seeing the kids,” Latimer added, “but on the other hand, I really like being not dead after being in an induced coma in a hospital for weeks, sometimes months, on end with a machine breathing for me as I grasp to the threads of life, slowly suffocating and drowning in my own bodily fluids pooled in my lungs. It’s a tough decision.”

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong and Krotch Zander, pornography historian, contributed to this article.