Satire

“We Should Kill Pedophiles!” Says Older Man Who Just Searched ‘Barely Legal Teens’ On PornHub

LA CROSSE, WIS — A La Crosse man took to Facebook Sunday filled with post-cum righteous indignation to advocate for the killing of pedophiles, despite just searching for porn as close to pedophilia as legally possible.

Frank Beans, 55, shared a meme with a quote stating “Dead Pedophiles Don’t Re-Offend” with the hashtag #saveourchildren. Sitting immediately beside it on his browser was an open tab containing a video of a teenage girl, young enough to be his daughter, having sex with a man his age.

“The elites in this country either take part in or turn a blind eye to sex trafficking of children!” Beans typed furiously after having drained his bag watching a performer who’d been groomed for the role since she was 16 by a ‘modeling’ agency that she thought would help her future.

“I for one, won’t be giving any money to that Wayfair or any of these candidates who are obviously covering this up,” he commented on a similar post without a shred of irony, despite generating hundreds of dollars in boner pill ad revenue for porn production firms actively doing that exact thing to literally thousands of teenagers at this very moment.

As this is an ongoing report, we will update if Beans finds a more ethical way to consume adult entertainment.

Reporter Jake Leis contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire