BioLife Donor with Diarrhea Finishes Entire Donation in Record 23 Seconds

ONALASKA, WIS — Nothing but fast food and La Crosse Lager for a week straight is what an Onalaska man is now crediting for his plasma donation in record time.

“It was truly impressive,” Camden Hanks, a BioLife employee, said. “Dude can squeeze his fist at a goddamn jackhammer speed.”

Randall Tyler, 31, is a relatively new donor who really loved BioLife’s mission of paying people a ton of money for vein juice. His latest donation Monday night turned out to be anything but normal.

“I went in for my donation feeling pretty good at first,” Tyler said. “I passed the temp check, did my questionnaire, and made it to the lipid test just fine. That’s when I first had a gurgle.”

Tyler had ingested greasy fast food for every meal that week and washed it down most of the time with beer or soda. What he didn’t know soon enough, was that he was on the verge of a major gastrointestinal onslaught just as he hooked up his massive Popeye forearm to the apheresis machine.

“I had just gotten settled in the chair, needle in my arm, when that first wave hit,” he said. “I had to decide right then and there whether I wanted to stop the donation, or power through and get that sweet sweet donor cash. I went with the latter and just started squeezing with everything I had.”

Donations typically take anywhere from 45 minutes to one hour, however, Tyler’s imminent danger combined with his gigantic can-crushing forearm spurred him to be able to supercharge his blood flow, filling a whopping 880 mL of plasma in just 23 seconds.

“I might have hallucinated this, but for a second I thought I saw the lights flicker, like it was some sort of X-Men movie,” Hanks said. “Then [Tyler] ripped the needle out and penguin-ran to the bathroom. Everybody cheered.”

Tyler, after finishing his business, received accolades and applause for his record setting donation – and, of course – $25 on his BioLife debit card.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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