Satire

Coveted Rocky’s Cheese Curd that Fell on Floor Given a Viking Funeral

STODDARD, WIS — A coveted cheese curd from Rocky’s Supper Club in Stoddard that has fallen in the line of duty was given the most glorious of send-offs: a Viking funeral. 

Last week when Gary Olson decided to get dinner at Rocky’s supper club, he could not stop thinking about their cheese curds. Arguably the best in the area, Rocky’s cheese curds have been a staple at the historic supper club for generations. Many believe that the annual La Crosse Riverfest celebration has been propped up by the awesome power of the cheese curds.  

“Getting Rocky’s cheese curds is not just about eating, it’s an experience,” Olson explained. “It’s a religion. A way of life. One does not simply eat the cheese curd. One must ask permission before consuming it and then allow the flavor to consume you. Then you must offer thanks to the cheese curd.” 

Olson described his cheese curd eating experiences as an “orgasm for the soul” that allows a person a glimpse into the heavens.  

But last Friday night was not met with the usual euphoria expected when ordering Rocky’s cheese curds. Instead the evening experienced a tragedy of epic proportions as Olson dropped a lone cheese curd from his freshly ordered basket of soul-orgasm nuggets. 

“I… I… I don’t know what happened,”  Olson explained through tear soaked eyes. “I was just so excited that my hands were trembling and one just rolled off the top out of the basket.”

Witnesses to the fall describe a feeling of an “unknown disturbance of the universe” as they simultaneously turned and saw the cheese curd fall in what they perceived as “slow motion” like when John McClane dropped Hans Gruber from Nakatomi Plaza as muffled screams filled the dining area. As the cheese curd struck the ground, a hush filled a room as the patrons stool froze in shocked silence.

One brave busboy attempted to dive a catch the cheese curd, but was unsuccessful as he crashed into the table he just set. 

After police completed their report and the coroner released the cheese curd body, the Rocky’s owners spared no expense in setting up a traditional Viking funeral for the fallen cheese curd. 

Approximately 779 people (the entire population of the town of Stoddard) showed up at the Stoddard Landing Tuesday evening and paid their final respects. After several local clergy read scripture and gave a lengthy eulogy, the body was launched into the Mississippi River as the local high school choir sang Amazing Grace. A flaming bow was then launched onto the floating casket before becoming engulfed in flames and sinking into the river’s depths. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire