Satire

Tavern League of Pleasure Island: We’re Doing All We Can to be Safe From Donkey Curse

PLEASURE ISLAND, ITA — It is safe for misbehaving little children to go back to Pleasure Island, according to the island’s coachman and chair of the Tavern League, Mike Marrone.

Pleasure Island has recently been marred in controversy, accused of letting a curse run rampant that turned 1,177 area children into donkeys after nights filled with bad behavior on the island.

“We’re doing everything we possibly can to be safe,” Marrone said in a local radio station’s Zoom interview along with the Pleasure Island Health Department. “We’ve put up reminders in all of our establishments, little signs saying ‘Don’t Misbehave! (Too Much)’ and whatnot. We’re also screening people as they come in, asking questions like ‘Hey, are you gonna misbehave…?’ We trust our patrons will be honest and follow the rules.”

The Pleasure Island Health Department is tasked with tracking and helping contain the curse. Once seen as at odds with the TLPI, director Gin Rumbalia says their mission is now aligned with Marrone’s.

“I just wanted to commend the Tavern League of Pleasure Island for instituting all of the safety measures they have so far,” Rumbalia said with a straight face. “Putting the onus and obligation of containing the curse solely on imbibing children is probably a smart idea.”

Pleasure Island will remain open as children return for the school year. Marrone wants to also remind patrons that the Tavern League offers free services throughout.

“As the coachman, I’m able to provide anyone a ferry back from the island,” Marrone smirked, “free of charge!”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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