La Crosse Times Year In Review – September
KENOSHA, WIS — News Flash! World-renowned detective Joseph “Joe” Biden arrives in Kenosha today, hot on the trail of his arch-nemesis, the nefarious Donald J. Trump!
Inspector Biden, who is also the current Democratic candidate for president, arrived in Kenosha just this morning, emerging from Lake Michigan in his custom submarine, the “Anything is Pos-submersible”. After declaring his intent to finally track down “that scoundrel” Donald Trump, Biden – wearing a deerstalker cap and wielding a large magnifying glass – addressed questions from assembled reporters.
“My crack team of junior detectives,” he said, referring to his entirely-adult campaign staff, “is positive that Trump, the rascal, has been in the area recently. Why, just look at the damage! Surely this was caused solely by Donald Trump and Donald Trump alone!”
When a Kenosha resident mentioned the years of economic disparity and systemic racial injustice, some of which could be attributed to policies Inspector Biden advocated for, he remained steadfast.
“A nefarious scheme indeed! I vow I will stop that villain!”
Suddenly, a voice crackled from the state-of-the-art two way radio that all senior members of the Biden campaign wear on their wrists – it was Kamala Harris, surveying the scene from the air in the Joe Biplane!
“Looks like he got away, Joe!” she exclaimed.
“But only just!” replied the brave Inspector, donning an aviator’s glasses. “The game isn’t up yet!”
As Inspector Biden rushed from the scene, he could be heard shouting, “We follow him from the air – to the dirigible!”.
At press time, residents reported that the Build Back Better Balloon had gotten tangled up in some trees.
Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.