LA CROSSE, WIS — Vice President Mike Pence will be visiting Dairyland Power Co-op to unveil his new alternative-energy plan: using the power of prayer as an alternative energy source.
A spokesman from the White House confirmed that the Vice President has been visiting power companies around the country pitching his new “Prayer: So Good It Hertz” initiative, which has been met with mostly stunned silence and furrowed-brow half smiles.
“We are… uh… curious to hear the vice president’s prayer-based power proposal,” Dairyland Power president Mick Dairyland commented as he uncomfortably chuckled. “We always like exploring alternative energy options, and we’re VERY curious how his plan will unfold or how he believes electricity works in general.”
The proposal outlines detailed instructions that include the purchasing of several large metal probes, similar to that used for the elementary school potato-clock experiments. Those metal probes will be inserted in each Dairyland Power employee (either in an unused orifice or small incision). Each employee will then be instructed to pray for their entire eight hour shift to generate the necessary prayer voltage to power the Dairyland Co-op homes.
“The Vice President has also proposed that people can supplement the energy of their own homes,” said White House spokesman Smiley Fabricator. “With just a penny, a galvanized nail, a coil of wire, an electrical socket, and boat-load of praying, they will actually feel the electric tickle of God.”
Pence has often ordered the power of prayer for the solution to every complex societal problem. Hurricane? Prayers. Injuries? Prayers with a side of prayers. Wildfires? Triple-decker prayer sandwich with a prayer salad. Shootings? All-you-can-eat prayer buffet!
So it comes as no surprise that Pence would propose prayer for steadily increasing energy costs.
“Since the Vice President is confident that electricity is ‘God-juice’, he believes it is just better to directly tap the resource instead of being so sneaky about it,” Fabricator continued. “He cannot believe that people have not thought of this before.”
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H Dong contributed to this article.