Satire

LIMITED TIME OFFER: Free Little Defibrillators with Every Kwik Trip Hot Spot Item

LA CROSSE, WIS —  Consumer alert! La Crosse based convenience store powerhouse Kwik Trip announced Sunday they will offer small defibrillators with every single hot spot purchase through the end of the year.

“Basically, we just wanted to cut out the middle-man,” Kwik Trip spokesman Carpe Deepfrei said. “If people are eating from our Hot Spots as much as data might suggest, they’re going to need [a defibrillator] eventually.”

Kwik Trip has stockpiled around 5 million Phillips HeartStart FR3’s for the promotion, with a contingency for another 5 million should they run out too quickly.

“Our hope is – if this is successful – the La Crosse area will see a dramatic reduction in heart-related emergency calls,” Deepfrei added. “That could save a lot of money.”

Regular customers like Cedric Fuklin immediately praised the new initiative, which Kwik Trip entitled “Chomp, Chomp, CLEAR! La Crosse”.

“It’s actually pretty ingenious,” Fuklin said. “The Tavern League gives out masks for COVID, the city gives out Narcan for overdoses, why wouldn’t Kwik Trip give out defibrillators? It makes total sense and is going to save me a lot in medical bills. I mean, I could just eat healthier and avoid heart disease altogether, but this way I get to keep mowing down on cheese nuggets whenever I want.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire