BREAKING: Scientists Have Found The Sun’s Butthole

SANTA CRUZ DE TENERIFE, SPA — The largest solar telescope in the world has captured unprecedented images of the sun and have finally discovered the location of the sun’s butthole. 

The scientists operating the telescope Gregor, located in Santa Cruz de Tenerife, Spain, discovered the sun’s butthole Friday in a project that took only one year to unfold. 

“We anticipated finding the sun’s butthole would take anywhere from 3-5 years minimum,” commented an exuberant lead-scientist Dr. Spork Toesucker. “To find the butthole this quickly is VERY exciting.” 

The project called Find Where The Sun’s Sun Don’t Shine started back in early 2019 and has been funded through a joint effort by NASA and several national proctologist unions. 

Already some key observations made of the sun’s butthole have helped us understand our place in the solar system. 

“For starters, the sun’s butthole is on the top!” Toesucker explained. “For those who do not know, most things have a butthole on the bottom. It’s an amazing feature of our unique sun.” 

Some scientists dispute the “butthole on the top” theory. Australian scientists have come forward claiming that the sun’s butt is, in fact, on the bottom, but we are just looking at the planet upside down.

PICTURED: How Australian scientists believe the world is organized according to the location of the sun’s butthole

Now that the sun’s butthole has been accurately located and confirmed, the project now has its sights on taking another step forward to a much larger task. 

“We want to see the sun take a shit,” Toesucker continued. “We know it is going to be an incredibly daunting task because we really don’t know how often the sun shits, how much it shits, or even what sun shit is made from, but that is exactly what we hope to learn.”

One day, Toesucker hopes the project can expand their findings to neighboring solar systems and observe the buttholes of stars lightyears away. Something that, as a child, Toesucker said he had a hobby of spying on his neighbor’s buttholes, which is what forged his life-goal of locating the biggest buttholes in the galaxy.

“That is the ultimate goal,” Toesucker concluded. “It may not happen in my lifetime, but I hope we are laying the foundation for future generations to spy the buttholes of neighboring stars. It’s every kid’s dream.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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