Intellectual Insists on Calling It “Howard’s”

LA CROSSE, WIS — A La Crosse man Monday made it clear he has no intentions of slumming it by using what he asserts is a hometown hangout’s “nickname” and hopes others will follow suit.

“Why, it’s just not professional, nor is it even proper to refer to Howard’s Pub and Eatery by its colloquial name used by the plebeians,” Professor Jenkins R. Pennyfilter said, fully pronouncing the letter ‘H’ in the word ‘Why’.

Professor Pennyfilter, 48, teaches Ancient Mesopotamian History at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse when he is not busy training horses to dance daintily or gentrifying a suburb. His family amassed millions in wealth in the early 1900’s in the eyeglasses-on-long-skinny-handles-for-opera-viewing industry. The Pennyfilters also own the patent for mustache wax. The family made La Crosse their home in the late 1940’s, right around when Howie’s was in its fledgling years as a business.

“I do believe it was my great great grandfather Ulysses Pennyfilter who first gave Howard’s the impetus for their now most popular item, the Explosive Pomme-Frites,” Pennyfilter harrumphed, most likely referring to Howie’s Dynamite Fries. “However – back in those days – I do believe they were still made with real explosives. Ahhh, the good old days!”

Staff at Howie’s assured the La Crosse Times that they are fully committed to their current name and branding, despite Professor Pennyfilter’s objections.

“Well, I can’t speak for Snidely Whiplash over there, but the rest of our regulars like ‘Howie’s’ just fine,” bartender Jeremy Pleasontanks said. “So, I think we’re going to keep it as is.”

Pennyfilter said that continued “sullying” of the Howie’s name may cause him to reconsider where he spends his considerable fortune.

“It pains me to admit it,” Pennyfilter said, “but I may reach a point in time where I will have to take my business to the James Jonathon Delicatessen.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

%d bloggers like this: