Satire

La Crosse Priest Somehow Manages to Make Catholic Church Seem Even Worse

LA CROSSE, WIS — A pretend Christian on La Crosse’s north side has gone viral in a video released earlier this week, condemning those who believe in widely accepted science and/or basic human decency.

Father James Altman, a priest at St James the Less, is featured in the video that many have hailed as a blistering achievement in assholery. 

“It’s a truly, truly, remarkable feat to make the Catholic Church seem even worse than it already did after all the… well, you know…” a spokesperson for the Diocese of La Crosse said. “But he managed to do that. In one poorly lit right-wing snuff film monologue, Father Altman was able to achieve that.”

After the continuous fallout of the Catholic Church’s alleged cover-ups of sexual misconduct by multiple priests, many have tried over the years – and failed – to give the church a worse reputation, according to scholars. Altman may truly be one of the first to bring the church to a brand new low.

“I think it’s just the dichotomy of his message that really does it,” the Diocese spokesperson added. “The juxtaposition of denouncing policies objectively aimed at helping one’s fellow man as “godless” and “hypocritical”, all the while using bat-shit insane conspiracy theories to justify it… It’s blasphemy for me to say this, but that video is literally The Holy Grail of dogshit pretend-Christian ideology, and THAT’S really saying something.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire