Satire

Man Dying of “All-Star Poisoning” He Got at Smash Mouth Concert in Sturgis

STURGIS, SD — A Minnesota man is clinging to life in a Rochester hospital after contracting COVID-19 in Sturgis, South Dakota during the famed Smash Mouth concert. Even now, that man regrets nothing and attributed his declining health to “All-Star Poisoning.” 

When Kevin Coleman jumped on his Harley and drove to Sturgis back in early August for the longest-running motorcycle rally, he only had one S-word on his mind. No, it wasn’t “safety” or “security.” It definitely wasn’t “social distancing.” It wasn’t even “sick motorcycles.” Coleman has this S-word tattooed across his back like the wings of an angel: Smash Mouth.

Much like the other literally tens of American’s who adore the momentarily successful 90s pop rock group, he was on a mission to finally see the band he has idolized since he was 45 years old.  

“When I heard All-Star for the first time back in 1999, I’ve been a die-hard Smashhead ever since,” Coleman slowly explained. “Seeing them live this month transformed my life. There was no way I was missing that concert.”  

For years Coleman has been trying to score tickets to see the infamous band, but his efforts have always fallen short with chronically cancelled shows due to low attendance and a revolving door of band members that has included at least 18 different people. Some speculate that the actual number of former band members may be in the millions, with several people retelling stories of being abducted on the streets and thrown into a white cargo van only to be unmasked on stage with a bass guitar in hand. 

Unfortunately for Coleman, the experience also transformed his health from an active, spry 66-year-old to severely weakened septuagenarian clinging to life as he gasps for each breath to try and help us understand his fanaticism for a band with one hit. 

“The concert was epic! They lead off with All-Star,” Coleman explained. “I mean, the confidence they had to start the show with their biggest hit! They knew exactly what the audience wanted.” 

Coleman then explained how the band played the song eight more times in a row, citing that the fifth time through the song he was sure they were playing it “directly to him.” 

“They made me feel like an all-star who could get his game on and go play,” Coleman reminisced. “I did get infected… with being an all-star! And when you’re an all-star, nothing can touch you. Not even COVID.” 

Just when Coleman thought they were going to play All-Star a tenth time in a row, they hit the crowd with a curve ball and played I’m A Believer.  

“It was like I was in the end scene of Shrek dancing with all those fairy-tale creatures,” Coleman ecstatically coughed. 

After Smash Mouth played their other identifiable song, which is in fact a cover of a 1960s Monkees hit, which is also a cover of a Neil Diamond song, lead singer Steve “That Guy From Smash Mouth” Harwell took to the mic and told the audience, “Fuck that COVID shit. Now we’re all here together tonight.” 

It was also reported that Harwell asked the crowd to join him in one good synchronized cough into the air followed by one deep inhale to “breath in all that Smash Mouth love” as a sign of unity before encouraging the crowd to sing along as loudly and spit-flying as possible as the band jumped into their tenth performance of the song All-Star

Coleman then explained how he, in fact, is not dying of COVID; rather, he is experiencing the effects of a severe All-Star overdose. 

“They went on to play All-Star a total of 29 times. I think it was just too much All-Star for any mortal human to take.” 

When asked if he would do anything differently, Coleman was assertive that he do it all over again in the exact same way. 

“I definitely wouldn’t wear a mask, because the mask would hinder the full Smash Mouth experience. Smash Mouth needs to see our mouths so that they can smash it with their all their Smash Mouth glory!”

Coleman died immediately after the conclusion of this interview with his last words being, “I regret nothing. Gggggggackackfffffgrrr.” 

Doctors concluded that he was, in fact, not an all-star. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire