DES MOINES, IA — Shortly after announcing intent to force Iowa’s largest school district to abandon virtual learning and resume in-person classes amid a surge in coronavirus cases, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds has also announced that you also have to eat this bug she just found, or else.
The announcement came Saturday afternoon, while you sneaked out the back of Iowa’s state house trying to avoid Reynolds, but there she was, leaning against a brick wall smoking a cigarette in her Iowa State Hawkeyes leather jacket and slicked-back greasy hair.
“Oh there you are, NERD!” Reynolds said, in her official statement. “Come here! I have something for you…”
Reynolds continued her announcement by opening her clenched fist to reveal the body of a cricket she’d just killed for suggesting she wasn’t handling the pandemic very well.
“Pretty cool, right?” Reynolds added. “You ever eaten a bug before?”
The governor then pulled from her jacket a small red diary, unclasped and bearing your name inscribed on the front cover.
“You should eat this bug,” Reynolds continued, “that is… unless you want me to tell all of Iowa you sharted in the movie theater on that date with Ronnie Dayton!”
Reynolds went on to describe how she had the legal backing to force you to eat this disgusting insect for her enjoyment, with several judges affirming that the state of Iowa has the authority to require it.
“Come on! Eat it! You have to! EAT IT!” Reynolds screamed, in her official statement.
Health experts say that eating a dead cricket, while gross, is not poisonous and may actually add healthy bacteria to the intestines, though, the same effect could be achieved through eating yogurt or drinking a good kombucha.
“See?” Reynolds snickered, “I’m not being a bully! I’m helping you! HAHAHAHA!”
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.