Satire

SPORTS: UWL Defeats Viterbo 64-50 In Single-Day COVID Diagnosis Bowl Championship

LA CROSSE, WIS — The University of Wisconsin-La Crosse (UWL) braved the unseasonable cold weather week to knock off crosstown rival Viterbo and win the Single-Day COVID Diagnosis Bowl Championship and earn the golden fibrillator trophy.  

With UWL having five times the student population of Viterbo, most sports analysts did not give Viterbo a chance to compete with the large Division III state university. But when Viterbo won the coin-toss and started classes a week earlier than UWL, many fans thought that this could be Viterbo’s year to knock off the WIAC powerhouse by getting a head-start on spreading within their student population. Unfortunately, UWL’s sheer numbers, relatively unchecked dorm atmosphere, and drinking culture proved too powerful for the smaller religious institution. 

“As soon as UWL jumped out with 64 positive cases on Thursday in Coate Hall, I knew we had our work cut out for us,” reflected Viterbo team captain Guy Meatdrapes. “We just do not have the experience in uncontained filthiness and debauchery that UWL does.”

UWL’s 64 cases in a single day completely blew the La Crosse County single-day increase of 31 by more than double. That said, Viterbo did not go down without a fight after reporting an impressive 50 positive COVID cases on Friday. 

“With a 64 point COVID lead, I was sure we had the championship in the bag,” boasted UWL lead-COVID spreader Cleon Salmon, “I was actually wondering if a mercy rule would go into effect, but they really surprised us with the 50 point COVID cases on Friday.”

Salmon believes the score was close because of UWL’s complacency, and simply “being happy with 64 in one day.” 

“Sixty-four is really good, but I know we can do better than that,” Salmon continued, “We just have to remember that Viterbo is scrappy and no lead is secure with them. We have to be disciplined enough to keep spreading until the whistle blows.” 

Salmon’s call for discipline paid off, with UWL increasing their lead count to 105 on Friday. Despite the loss, Meatdrapes is proud of his team’s effort. 

“I think we exposed a weakness in UWL today – their cockiness with their ability to spread COVID,” Meatdrapes finished, “at first we were just playing for pride, but next week we are playing to win!” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire