Satire

Allegations Surface Against Kwik Trip Urge Mascot

LA CROSSE, WIS — Officials at Kwik Trip are reeling after multiple allegations against The Urge mascot have surfaced.

According to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday, multiple individuals have accused the mascot of repeated misconduct, physical aggression, and sexual harassment over a twenty-year period. The list of accusers in the lawsuit includes Rocky Rococo, family members of a now-deceased bag of Nature’s Touch milk, and two Kwik Trip employees who wished to remain anonymous. Sources say Logger Dog was also initially part of the lawsuit but has since dropped out under political pressure from his owner.

PICTURED: The Urge is shown in this 1985 photograph with a bag of underage Nature’s Touch milk

According to Dr. Jim Robotnik, the group’s lawyer, The Urge has a lengthy history of misconduct. Allegations include a 1993 incident in which The Urge physically intimidated and then attempted to blackmail Rocky Rococo after a downtown altercation, multiple claims of sexual harassment involving roller dog innuendos, and inappropriately touching Nature’s Touch.  

PICTURED: The Urge, depicted in this 1993 t-shirt, is facing new allegations

One plaintiff issued the following statement through Robotnik: “The Urge must be held accountable for his despicable behavior. He said I was his Best Buddy and that we should just run away to Karuba where we could put a good tan on his long john. He also continually gestured at all of us with his giant tongue hanging out of his mouth. It looked like some kind of nasty miniature Noah’s Ark slide.”

PICTURED: A courtroom sketch of The Urge

Robotnik says the lawsuit against the maligned mascot came as no surprise.

“His name is ‘The Urge’ for Chrissake! His whole being is based on urges. We should have seen this coming,” said Robotnik.

The Urge, 63, had no immediate comment, but in an emailed statement said “Do I have permanent ‘bedroom eyes?’ Sure. Am I too handsy? Perhaps. Does my nose look a little like a flattened penis? You bet. Have I ever copped a pack of menthols on a shift? Who hasn’t? But all of that does not mean I am guilty of these charges. I’m not guilty, probably. Wait…Yeah, I’m probably not.”    

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire