Satire

Based on Names, Meteorologists Believe Supercluster of Hurricanes Likely to Call the Cops

LA CROSSE, WIS — Meteorologists at La Crosse’s National Weather Service believe a forming “supercluster” of tropical depressions will probably all try to call the cops on you.

NWS says the supercluster, known as the “Wine Mom Hurricanes”, could prove incredibly deadly.

“Once we saw the tropical depression names come in, we knew this would be a very dangerous and annoying system about to wreak havoc,” NWS forecaster Breezy Buttocks said. “The potential hurricanes are very likely to reach into their purses – also known as the eye of the storm – pull out their gale force cell phones, and dial 911 out of nowhere. Pretty scary stuff.”

Forecasters are urging precautions to stay safe.

“Go to your basements, stay away from windows,” Buttocks added, “Avoid barbecues, loud music, or skateboarding down an alleyway.”

NWS also urged the public not to underestimate “Teddy”, the one traditionally male name given out of all five.

“We’re seeing signs Teddy just really doesn’t want you or your pet near any freshly cut lawns,” Buttocks said. “So steer clear of those too.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire

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