Satire

Biden Changes Image to Appeal to Undecided Right-Leaning Voters

WASHINGTON, DC — Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden holds a lead over President Donald Trump in several key battleground states including Wisconsin, Nevada, New Hampshire, and Minnesota. But over the past three weeks, the lead in those states has tightened as the economy slowly continues to improve amid the COVID-19 pandemic. In response to the narrowing poll numbers, Biden has decided to change his image to try and appeal to undecided, right-learning voters. 

Biden unveiled the new look this past weekend to a stunned crowd of supporters. Biden smiled and spoke through a bronze-gold spray tan covering 90% of his face only leaving the pale white rings around his eyes and at his hairline where the whiteness of his scalp showed through. He also appeared to have had his teeth bleached to an unnatural state of porcelain white as the yellow toupe he was newly sporting looked like piss-flavored cotton candy. 

“Mr. Biden brought the idea to his campaign team, and we all vehemently disagreed with it,” explained Biden campaign manager Gourd Puppetshow, “But you know Joe. If he has an idea, he’s going to run with it whether we like it or not.” 

As Biden then addressed his sea of supporters through fractured, unfinished sentences that are not meant to be read or used as a soundbite, only experienced, he moved from thought to thought, topic to topic seemingly random, making sure to regularly throw in petty insults at his opponents while adding no clear explanation of direction or policy. 

Generally the audience did not react at any of Biden’s pause points or jokes. Instead, all that could be heard from the crowd was the occasional crying child or vomiting adult. To his educated supporters, this approach sounded nearly incoherent. But many of Biden’s less educated supporters felt understood and believed in what he supposedly said. 

“I believe in Biden more now than I ever did before,” commented unemployed high school dropout Mimsy Carbonation. “He doesn’t have to finish his sentences because I can finish them for him.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article. 

Categories: Satire