Satire

Oktoberfest Caught Beating Up Applefest for Money

LA CRESCENT, MINN — Pictures have surfaced that allegedly show La Crosse’s largest yearly festival shaking down another festival for money in the historically challenged nearby town of La Crescent.

In the widely circulated photos, Oktoberfest USA appears to be shoving the smaller Applefest La Crescent into a locker. Eyewitnesses said the German festival was demanding money, “or else you’ll get das boot! Einverstanden!?”

“I felt so bad for little Applefest,” one eyewitness said, “but I was also too scared to confront Oktoberfest. They’re just really big and intimidating.”

Most describe the relationship between the festivals as amicable, however financial woes from the pandemic have brought things to a boiling point.

“It’s the worst kerfuffle I ever did see, laddy,” Irishfest said. “We used ta be civil ta each ‘udder! Now we’re all after each ‘udder’s pot o’ gold at the end o’ da rainbow. Tryin’ times, laddy, tryin’ times.”

Oktoberfest USA has denied any wrongdoing and says the eyewitness accounts are false.

“We were just asking if young Applefest had seen ze latest episode of Lovecraft Country on ze HBO’s, ya?” Oktoberfest stated. “Ve love ze HBO’s, and we don’t want to LOSE OUR SUBSCRIPTION! DO VE, APPLEFEST!?”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire