Satire

“Survivor: Coronavirus” Season Cancelled

NEW YORK, NY — Officials at CBS have cancelled the upcoming season of Survivor: Coronavirus due to every person affiliated with the show contracting the coronavirus. 

The popular reality television show featuring survivalist competitions is usually set in exotic locations. However, the new season was set at Lowenheim Communications and Waste Removal Group, a typical American office space located in Steubenville, Ohio. 

Fifteen employees, one manager, one regional manager, and 55 individual coronaviruses were set to square off in filmed competitions such as “Capture the Mask,” “Helter Skelter Plexiglass Shelter,” and “Race to the Vaccine.” Over time, the least cleanly or most infected would slowly be voted off the office desk clump.

Though producers faced a slough of criticisms, they ultimately proceeded with filming late last spring. After low test run ratings, a poor critical reception, and every single person associated with the show contracting the coronavirus, CBS executives decided to cancel.

“We put together a great show. It would have been a phenomenal season had we been able to finish it,” said Mark Burnett, one of the show’s producers.

Burnett, who produced the entire season from inside an enclosed mobile orb suspended over filming locations, said misunderstandings are to blame.

“I think people just didn’t get the concept,” said Burnett. “Well, they definitely got the coronavirus part of it. It’s more like they didn’t understand the gamesmanship and survival aspects of it. Actually, survival isn’t the best word as some cast members are hospitalized with the virus now.”   

Burnett thinks the coronavirus would have won the competition and voted all employees off. 

“I’ve got to hand it to coronavirus. It would’ve been hard to outwit, outplay, or outlast it.”

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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