Satire

La Crescent to Strenuously Test “Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away” Theory Sunday

LA CRESCENT, MINN — Despite being just over the bridge from the fastest growing COVID-19 caseload hot spot in the US, Applefest USA will continue with its flagship event, the the King Apple Parade, this Sunday.

“We know it seems unsafe to have a large event like this,” Applefest organizer Bertram Rattlesnifter said, “but we’re having it outside! Which everyone knows is a magical place where breath particles carrying viruses can’t get you!”

Organizers like Rattlesnifter were also quick to point out a well-known idiom related to healthy eating as a folksy way to try and assuage fears of spreading the coronavirus.

“Well, you know what they say,” Rattlesnifter added through a contrived laugh, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Well who’s got more apples than La Crescent on Applefest? We’ll be the healthiest place in the world!”

Attendees are encouraged to wear masks and socially distance and do all the other basic health safety things half the US population still struggles with. The parade is set to kick off at 1:00 pm.

“And before you say anything, one of our floats looks like it’s supposed to be the coronavirus, but it’s definitely not,” Rattlesnifter added. “It’s just a really ugly apple… I don’t know what to tell you, the school district had to cut the art program and that’s the result.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire

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