Satire

Riverside Eagle Statue Removed for 90’s Style Makeover Montage for 2021 Prom

LA CROSSE, WIS — The eagle statue located at the main entrance at Riverside Park has been temporarily removed for a 90’s She’s All That style total makeover.

The idea for the makeover montage came after the La Crosse City Council agreed that the statue’s style and fashion is no longer up to par with 2020 beauty standards. Though some see the eagle as a majestic representation of the power and confidence of America’s history, others have expressed their disgust with the eagle’s awkward antisocial behavior and a fixation on reading quietly in the corner, hoping to not be noticed. 

A resolution was quickly drafted and unanimously passed, with the full-scale makeover planned to be completed on the wallflower eagle statue before the 2021 prom. 

“We have planned for the eagle statue to take part in a full scale makeover,” commented City Council member Zach Siler. “It will start with a haircut that the eagle appears confused about with some humorous moments of the eagle blowing extra hair out of its face.”

Siler outlined the other makeover steps including a talon manicure/pedicure, beak whitening, eagle bikini waxing, ditching the nerdy glasses for contacts, and watching the eagle statue hilariously stumble over and over again learning how to walk in high heels as the song I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred plays in the background.

The council also hopes to capture the wardrobe scene where the eagle tries on a series of different dresses exiting the dressing room to the disapproval of the city council. Eventually after a couple comically bad dresses that no self-respecting human would ever consider, the perfect dress will be obvious and greeted to the standing applauds of the city council.  

“We are hoping the experience will culminate with a nearly unrecognizable eagle descending the stairway on the evening of prom as the all-state quarterback drops the corsage and gawks in awe while the chorus to Paula Cole’s I Don’t Want To Wait fills the room with chills,” Siler explained in a dream-like trance. “It is at that moment that the eagle’s father will shed a tear realizing that his little eaglet is no longer an eaglet, but now is a beautiful young eagle ready to spread her wings.” 

Siler concluded that the eagle will spend the evening with the quarterback, have a beautiful time at the prom, win prom queen, and then return to Riverside the next morning. 

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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