Satire

La Crosse to Provide Big Foam “We’re #1!” Fingers To Be Used As Masks

LA CROSSE, WIS — According to data from the New York Times, La Crosse Wisconsin now has the fastest growing caseload of COVID-19 in the country. Officials at the City of La Crosse are announcing a partnership with Party City as a result.

“Since we can’t outright close the bars or go back in time and try to prevent the area colleges from having in-person classes, we thought a thicker and more effective mask veiled as a shitty party gimmick might be more effective,” City Council member Ransack Dafridge said. “I don’t know… to tell you the truth, we are really out of ideas right now.”

The foam fingers, reading “We’re #1!” in large font, will be provided for free and without context to bouncers for distribution all over downtown La Crosse. Each has only one simple tag attached that reads, “Wear Me On Your Head And Let’s Get Lit!”

“Our theory is that if we frame it as a raucous good time rather than a public health necessity, more will be inclined to actually wear them. Especially if some of them know they are wearing this as an ironic reference to this horrible new crowning achievement for our community,” Dafridge added.

La Crosse’s partnership will produce 500,000 free foam finger masks, costing the taxpayers roughly $2 million dollars and several months of non-stop emails containing special offers from Party City.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire