Satire

Doofus With Metal Detector Finds Jack Squat

LA CROSSE, WIS — Local metal detective Dennis Humberstone has meticulously combed every square inch of Pettibone Beach over the last two months in an effort that produced neither fortune nor the tiniest bit of interest. 

“It’s all about the quest. There’s a feeling of expectancy and exhilaration. Or so I’ve heard at least,” said the foolhardy time-waster from his La Crosse home. 

Humberstone, who also hopes to find sasquatch someday, said his search at Pettibone was mostly fruitless, resulting in a mere 67 cents, a “1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor” key chain, a handful of bottle caps, and a foil condom wrapper.  

The scant findings came as a surprise to the fifty-three-year-old scavenging cheapskate, having paid well over ten thousand dollars for his Toshiba 4500 Big D-tector. 

Toshiba 4500 models are considered to be among the highest end metal detectors available, capable of finding a range of worthless shit up to five feet below ground.  

As fall approaches, Humberstone plans to shift his nonsensical treasure-hunting to other locations. 

“A lot of people used the trails this summer, so maybe I’ll head out there and be able to capitalize on their unfortunate losses.”

Humberstone says metal detecting has been up and down over the last several years, especially as a source of extra income. 

“One time I thought I scored a huge engagement ring, but it turned out to be a Jolly Rancher melted onto a soda pop top,” said the irrationally positive Jack Sparrow wannabe.  

“Other than that, there was just that other time I found some kind of ancient looking chalice. It was hard to read the inscription on the ornate golden trunk it was tucked in. Said something like ‘Hokey Gail.’ I think it was a gag from Party City, so I just chucked it in the garbage when I got home. Unbelievable how realistic they make those things look nowadays.” 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire