Satire

Supreme Court Downgraded to Pepperoni Court With Sausage

WASHINGTON, DC — With the passing of iconic justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the US Supreme Court is now widely considered no longer to be supreme.

“With her gone, it’s not even close,” Senator Chuck Schumer said. “If it was a Supreme Court before, it’s definitely more of a gas station, heat-up-in-the-microwave-after-a bender variety pepperoni court now. Actually, given who’s left and likely to be picked, sausage makes more sense.”

Legal scholars echoed Senator Schumer’s metaphor by confirming the court’s previous iteration was more akin to a decent quality dough with fresh meat, veggies, a sultry sauce and gooey cheese cooked golden brown.

“In essence, we had DiGiorno for decades,” Degratz Bernfalt, Yale professor of constitutional law, said. “Now we’re gonna be stuck with nothing but Orv’s.”

President Trump indicated he will try to add anchovies stuffed with earwax topped with dandruff flakes – a top pick from the Federalist Society – to the court. Polls indicate most voters don’t want that even a little bit.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire

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