Satire

Obviously Divorced Man Seeking Companions Divorced From Politics

EAU CLAIRE, WIS — A Minnesota teacher turned “Settle for Biden Van Guy” made a stop in Eau Claire early Monday on his trek across the country to Washington DC in hopes of finding a special someone to fill the hole left in his heart with an unenthusiastic vote for Democratic nominee Joe Biden. 

When Chris Madden started his trip from Minneapolis to Washington DC a couple weeks ago, he had one thing on his mind: Politics. And definitely not his ex-wife Diane. As a matter of fact, don’t even bring her up to him. 

“I just really feel like people should make important decisions that affect their lives passively and without any real thought or care,” Madden explained, “It has nothing to do with my ex-wife Diane who I married out of convenience and then she took everything and all I have left is this van. Why would you say that?!?” 

We did not say that. 

Yes, Madden sure is passionate about being not passionate. His van is packed with only the bare essentials: a single change of clothes and a stack of military grade meals ready to eat (MREs). Pretty bland, yet on par for a person who’s dedicated themselves to asking others to not dedicate themselves. In the van, you will find no strong feelings about important social issues, no strong beliefs held and you certainly won’t find any pictures of his ex-wife Diane.  

“I just want to get people excited for not being excited,” Madden continued, “And stop bringing up Diane! I am doing this for myself because I am not passionate about it!”

We did not bring her up. 

As Madden left Monday afternoon to continue his supine journey, he has his sights set on reaching Washington DC around the election. Between then and now, he hopes to spread his very clear message of complaisant voting to thousands of young voters across the country who are voting for the first time. 

“These young voters are the key. We need to reach and teach them that voting is just something you do without emotionally connecting to it,” Madden finished, “like tying your shoes, or brushing your teeth, or getting married to Diane after you only met her a month earlier. I wish you would stop bringing her up!” 

Again, we did not. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire