Satire

Election Reveal Party Sets Fire to Entire United States

WASHINGTON, DC — An election reveal party that accurately predicts the results of the presidential election went awry when the explosive used started a grass fire that quickly spread throughout the entire United States. 

The National Poll of All Polls that Poll People About Politics Poll (NPPPPPP) conducted a meta-meta-analysis throughout the United States and were able to establish the winner of the presidential election with 99.9% accuracy through a computer algorithm.  

In an attempt to make the unveiling of the future election results more unnecessarily fun, the NPPPPPP decided to use an incendiary device that would burst and display the color of the election results: blue smoke for Biden, and red for Trump. Unfortunately, the flash from the device lit a small patch of dry grass nearby aflame that quickly spread across the entire United States. 

“We are unable to contain the political fire that this election reveal has created, and our only defense now is to slow the spread so people can escape,” commented United States Fire Chief Chuck Manleyer, “Unfortunately the United States is a total loss.” 

Manleyer also stated that conditions in the United States made it a perfect environment for it to become a large fire that rages out of control, and it really only needed that one spark to ignite it.

When NPPPPPP was asked to comment on the election reveal results, a representative explained that the fire “engulfed the reveal smoke too quickly” and the prediction was not announced. Also, efforts to go back to the computer that tabulated the results to share the results were unsuccessful as the computer had started on fire as well, but the computer fire was not related to the United States fire. Forensic scientists believe the computer started itself on fire. 

“I don’t think the results of the election really matter anymore,” Manleyer concluded, “Not while everything is on fire.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article

Categories: Satire