Satire

La Crosse Church Converted to Epic Final Battle Location From An Action Movie

LA CROSSE, WIS — It’s Saint Joseph’s Cathedral no longer! Now that scaffolding has been completed, the iconic La Crosse church has been turned into the final climactic scene in a summer blockbuster action flick.

“The scaffolding completely surrounds the building, allowing for plenty of places to grapple with one another whilst hanging from one of the support poles,” contractor Gary Moistenbank said. “There’s also two separate landings at precariously high places for one to finally confront the villain of the film, who may or may not be trying to escape via helicopter.”

Escaping by helicopter is just one scenario that can play out on the versatile new structure. Moistenbank says the scene could also be a kidnapped love interest to lure the hero out, or even the location of a doomsday device that will inevitably shoot a beam of light into the sky and threaten to destroy the world.

“There’s also a great opportunity to have a good old fashioned chase scene chock full of that parkour stuff the kids do,” Moistenbank added. “Or you could go the old school route and have a Highlander battle… great spot for a lightning strike or two to really cap off the fight.”

If none of the action movie scenes pan out, contractors have a back up plan to turn the church into a life sized Donkey Kong level or the next location for American Christian Ninja Warrior.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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