Satire

Missing Kentucky Derby Racer Found On Chicago Highway

CHICAGO, IL — After over two weeks of searching, the racing pair of jockey Adam Hollingsworth and his horse Misdemeanor were found roaming a Chicago Highway in broad daylight. 

The Dan Ryan Expressway has seen its share of strange events, but when motorists saw a man on horseback riding down the busy highway during rush hour on Monday, they really did not know what to think of it. 

“I saw it and had to do a double take,” explained witness Pick Spiralwound, “At first I thought the postal service had undergone more cuts or something.” 

What Spiralwound did not know was that he was witnessing one of the top thoroughbred race horses in the world who went MIA after the race last September 5th. Though Misdemeanor did not place in the top 5, the horse and jockey did not stop running after completing the final lap and ran straight out of Churchill Downs not to be seen until Monday. 

Many have speculated reasons for the mysterious exit of the pair, but most had lost hope of ever finding them alive after they had not been seen a week after the race. Now 16 days later, the pair mysteriously appeared nearly 300 miles from the racetrack. 

“After we flagged down the confused rider, we were able to ascertain their identities as the missing riders from the Kentucky Derby,” explained Chicago police commissioner Dank Meme. “Both are in good health but appear to be confused and very thirsty.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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