Satire

Ten Rejected Scents for Kwik Trip Candles

LA CROSSE, WIS — By now, you may have heard about Kwik Trip and Eau Claire based Smith and Company’s collaboration on an “Elite Day” car wash scented candle. You may also know that they already have a Glazers Donuts scented candle as well. But did you know there have been many other suggested scents?

Here’s a list of Kwik Trip candle scents that didn’t quite make the cut:

Burnt Cheese Nugget

This scent really captured the “Oh shit, I left these in the fryer too long! You think people will still buy these? Haha, what am I even saying? Of course they will!” of La Crosse’s Cass Street Kwik Trip.

Top Tier Gasoline

Ahhh, the pungent aroma of the earth’s slow demise. This scent was a strong front-runner until one of the testers lit the candle and… well… at least those prosthetics turned out okay, eh Jordan?

Five Day Old Roller Dog

A unique smelling experience, this one was modeled after the very newest roller dog anyone has eaten in Kwik Trip history. Until the testing phase, most didn’t realize anyone had ever bought a roller dog before.

Cheese Mountain Chalet

Is your friend cooking a pizza!? Or is it this new Kwik Trip scented candle? Oh, it’s the candle? Damn.

Da Bomb Burrito Botanical

This unique candle mixed the pungent smell of hot spot burrito with a little bit of botanical flair. Spoiler alert: the botanical flair was cilantro. Like, WAY too much cilantro.

Four Loko Sunset

This candle based on the cheap alcoholic energy drink never made it past prototype because testers kept blacking out when they would light it. Most assume the smell was a mixture of grape, guarana and battery acid.

Mysterious Bathroom Needle

This scent mixed the sterilized smell of a heavily chemically cleaned bathroom with the juxtaposition of one’s own sweat from discovering something they weren’t ever hoping or expecting to find.

Best Buddy

This candle had it all! And by that we mean it smelled like how a Best Buddy might taste if someone put a little bit of everything into one cup.

Spicy Chicken Sandalwood

The aroma of sandalwood oil met with the lunchtime desperation of Kwik Trip’s most popular spicy sandwich. Had it been made, this candle would have only been available on Thursdays and only ever had one left in stock, leading to an epic Jingle All The Way type race with a stranger to get it.

Kaptivating Karuba Gold

It’s your ready-to-go morning candle! It’s also your mid-morning, afternoon and night time sobering up candle. Let’s be real though, we’re kidding ourselves by thinking this isn’t for real the next one they will come up with.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire