Satire

Teen to Celebrate 2020 Oktoberfest by Using Fake ID to Sneak Into Parents’ Liquor Cabinet

LA CROSSE, WI — Oktoberfest 2020 would have started this weekend, but still many are getting into the spirit of the festival however they can.

Jiminy Ricketts, a Junior at Logan High School, is celebrating the occasion in the same manner of many American teens: by trying to gain access to alcohol with a fake ID.

“Normally, I’d hang out at Brothers and wait for a large group to blend in with,” Jiminy said, sliding the card into the door of his parents’ liquor cabinet. “But this year, I have this baby.”

Jiminy’s parents left the house to go to a party in the woods, attended by over a hundred of the city’s most die-hard Oktoberfest fans refusing to let the virus intrude on their right to put a costume on and drink beer in close proximity.

“I only need 10 seconds. 20 tops,” Jiminy explained. “It’s an old lock, so as long as I slide it juuuuust right…”

For the past week and a half, Jiminy watched several how-to videos, as well as the movie Hobbs and Shaw, in preparation for this night.

“So, like, the Rock and this British guy break into…. Wait,” Jiminy said, pulling on the door and giving the ID a shake. “Is this stuck? Crap. Oh crap. Wait, no, there we go. God dammit, I bent it.”

The teen also reflected on how much easier this would be if not for COVID-19.

“So many places have fenced smoking areas, man. My friend Darren, he knows a guy who’s 24, he’ll go to Driftless Arcade, pull the bottom of the fence up slightly, and BAM! Beer and video games.”

Thwarted by the impenetrable cabinet, Jiminy settled for the only cocktail he had access to: Cough syrup and his mother’s Xanax. It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing, according to Jiminy.

“Man, I just had a thought,” Jiminy mused, digging through the medicine cabinet in his parents’ bathroom. “Would it be weird to put kraut juice in this? You know, for Oktoberfest?”

Reporter Mortimer Langford contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire